Erin Corbin Story

My abusive marriage ended in 1989, after he filed for divorce.

Moving back into my mom’s house after this, I turned away from Christ.  Hanging out at the neighborhood bar on the west side of Flint, I began connecting with people that I knew from high school - people who were familiar. 

This led me down a path I never imagined.  

Eventually starting a relationship, I began to see him regularly.  This unfortunate connection soon brought an unexpected event – pregnancy. 

Absolute panic washed over me with a violent force.  I thought, “what do I do now?”  My mind whirled, drowning me in a sea of regret and landing me in an abortion clinic.

The father of the child I was carrying was already pursuing another relationship.  I knew I had to tell him. He was completely surprised, but agreed with my decision for an abortion and offered to pay half.

With the appointment made on the recommendation of Planned Parenthood, I entered the abortion clinic by myself to terminate the six-week pregnancy. My thought was “let’s just do this and get it over with.”

After the procedure, I walked out of the clinic relieved that it was over.  Not wanting to face the grief that entered my life that day, I kept this a secret buried deep within my heart.  I suffered in silence, wrapped in a cloak of shame. 

After this devastation in my life, I made the decision to return to college and finish the dental hygiene program, graduating and being licensed in 1992.  Grief and shame were still tucked away in my soul.

During this college program, I began a relationship which lasted six years.  Being in a relationship seemed to be my answer when I felt lonely, afraid or needy.

Still haunting me in the back of my mind was the knowledge that I needed to return to God, surrender my life completely and stop running.  My question was “how do I do this?” 

My journey back to God began one day as I watched a program by T.D. Jakes.  He talked about getting out of our comfort zone.  My comfort zone was being in relationships.  I knew this was for me, and I began my journey back to the Lord walking away from this man.  I returned to the One who had always loved me with the love I was seeking.

Upon my return to God, I started attending a church called New Community Church.  Still not aware that I needed some type of therapy from having the abortion several years later, I struggled in my Christian walk. 

Shame and grief not dealt with can paralyze us from moving forward to healing and purpose.  These feelings were so deeply rooted in the caverns of my soul, but I was still unaware and a mild depression began to set in.

I had no idea that these symptoms were related to my previous abortion.  Hadn’t I put that behind me and tried to forget? But this was the very thing that was holding me back from moving forward in my Christian walk.  Something had to be done.   I made the decision right then to stop living in the shadows of my past and start living in the light of my Savior.

I believe with all my heart that the Holy Spirit was prompting me to deal with this.  This confirmation came when I stumbled upon a ministry called Rachel’s Vineyard - a ministry for women who have had abortions.

My weekend retreat of healing was soon to begin.

A Catholic social worker began Rachel’s Vineyard.  Having counseled numerous women who had abortions, she noticed a common denominator: Most of the women she talked to had problems with depression.   Realizing this, the Lord led her to create the ministry Rachel’s Vineyard.

I had just started seeing Jim, who is my husband now, when I went to this weekend retreat in the mid 2000’s.

God’s Spirit was all over that weekend.  I was taken through steps of praying and had help processing what happened - processing my grief and mourning this loss, something that I had never done. 

Wave upon wave of emotion pounded onto the soft shore of my heart.

The Holy Spirit was bringing healing.

The weekend culminated in a memorial service where we received a birth certificate having had the opportunity to name our baby.  It was a way of making it tangible, helping me to unleash my bottled up grief and shame.  The symbolism of this service was powerful.

Freedom came

Through this retreat, God brought to me a soul-cleansing, spirit-led release.  I was able to release this child to God, and He healed the under currents of depression and my hidden grief and shame.  I prayed for forgiveness not only for what I had done but also forgiveness for myself - many times women cannot forgive themselves.

The guilt and shame that had paralyzed and overpowered my life was gone.

When I think about my abortion experience now, it is with hope:  The hope of seeing my little one again in heaven.

God is a God who forgives and a God who heals.

My Thoughts

If you are living with the pain of abortion, please let God help you.  He will heal.

Maybe some of the problems you are experiencing emotionally or even physically might have its root in having had an abortion.  God can heal.

If you are considering an abortion, think clearly about the consequences.  For those who have had abortions and never dealt with the trauma, or are still grieving the loss and shame, get some good Christian counseling.  There are services available.  Talk about it and relinquish the bottled up pain.

As we all know, life shows up in unexpected ways but God has a way of redeeming those situations in our life. 

I praise God that he opened the door and gave me the awareness that I needed help.  I praise God for the retreat that brought hope back into my life and healed my pain.

If you need healing from the pain of an abortion, please visit the link below:

Rachel’s Vineyard:    http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/

Erin Corbin

Interviewed, written & edited by Sharon Garner

Diane Breckenridge Story

My 10-year promise to God had been broken.  In breaking the promise, I was unaware of the ramifications it would ignite.     

After a two year involvement with a man, I made a promise to God that I would not get tangled up in anymore dating relationships.  I needed to concentrate on raising my kids, Courtney and Nick. 

With this promise made, I raised my children and had a blast.  During this time, I started a ministry called “Renewed Hope” to reach out to women who had been abused.  Things were going well.

Unfortunately, this was not to last.  

My promise fell apart in September of 2009 when I met Rodney.  I knew he had some issues, but I was not fully aware, as yet, of how deep those issues went.

At this time, Courtney was in college and Nick had graduated from high school.  I had nothing to do anymore, thinking, “nobody needs me”.  Since Rodney said he was a Christian, I thought, “Okay God, this must be for me.” I literally talked myself into believing that this was right—that God had sent him to me.  I even allowed him to move into my home.  I should have gotten a clue when my son moved out to live with another family, but I didn’t.

With Rodney living in my house, I soon became aware that he was addicted to crack.  Because of who I am, I tried to help him, but the wrong way.  It’s never a good idea to try to be someone’s Savior.   

Christmas of that same year found me in a state of depression. Since allowing him to move in, the Holy Spirit was convicting me big time, and my children intervened.  They “kidnapped” me—taking me to my church to see one of my pastors.  His response: “We’ve got to get him out of your house”.  Eventually, he did leave, ending this disastrous relationship that had lasted close to four years.  My son then returned home.

When I look back on this

I realize I had no idea the hurt my children endured, especially my son.  I was all they had growing up.    

I became immersed in shame, and began surrendering  to my thoughts thinking, “I fell at church, fell at work, and hurt my children, now it’s all hitting me.”

Filled with regret, and repeatedly getting hit with thoughts of unworthiness, I began to push people out of my life.  Overwhelmed with feelings of shame, I began to have problems with my hip.

Freedom One Sunday Morning

It came to a head one Sunday morning at church in April of 2013, when I went up for prayer for my hips.  “You’ve got to pray for my hips.  I’m sick of this pain and being on pain meds”, I said to my friend Marvin.  Marvin prayed for me, but also said, “Diane, I’ve got to tell you something. God says he wants to do a great work through you, and he’s going to heal your pain, but first he has to heal your emotional pain”, so Marvin prayed for me.

This was the beginning of my life being changed forever in April of 2013.  The change continued during a sermon series Pastor Bruce had started on embracing God’s love. He stressed how our sins have been forgiven as far as the east is from the west, even explaining that north and south have an end point, but east and west do not. I thought “Wow! That’s it! God you’ve forgiven me”.

God's Continued Work

During the next few months, God continued to work in me, and Thanksgiving morning of 2013, while at the gym, my freedom came.  God spoke to me as I exercised and sang songs from my iPod.  While praising God and sobbing, He spoke to me the word “shame” and said, “it’s going to kill you.  This is what you’ve got to let go of and the unworthiness”.  As the songs played and with my eyes closed, I saw visions of chains breaking off of me. The Holy Spirit kept saying “name your chains.” So I named my chains—unworthiness and shame.  God was definitely getting my attention as the songs continued playing:  “He Knows My Name” and “Moving Forward”. 

I learned something about myself through all this, and it has changed me.  I now like me.  I laugh more, have my joy back, I’m more obedient to God and I have hope.  Oh yes, and the pain in my hips is gone.  I have been set free. 

My ministry “Renewed Hope” is restarted after many road blocks and detours. This difficult time has taught me I cannot do anything without God, and if I don’t listen to him, my life can become a chaotic mess.  I have learned that even at my worst, God will use me to witness to other people.

Now, I know God loves me unconditionally.  

He has brought me out of feeling shameful and unworthy.  I am convinced He did everything possible to get my attention until He just took me to the end.  It’s as if He said, “Okay Diane, you’ve got everybody out of your life now, except me.”  If God tried that hard to hang onto me and never gave up on me, He must really want something from me.  You don’t serve God because you’re trying to get in with Him.  You serve Him because of what He’s already done for you.  Why wouldn’t you want to?

I think my heart is more compassionate now.  And because of what I’ve been through, I’ve had more opportunities to talk about shame and how it can cripple you.

The darkness isn’t there anymore and the unfilled emptiness is gone.  I can now worship freely again. God has used this experience to mold and shape me because He wants me to lean on Him alone.

Written by Sharon Garner

Interviewing Diane Breckenridge

Sue Drake Story

These past few years have been quite stressful.  I thought a few months of sick leave would relieve the horrible pain that consumed my every moment, and then, I could once again handle the stresses of my job.  But I needed relief from the anxiety that was threatening to push me over the edge of no return.

But the sick leave did not work as I had hoped. 

Instead, I experienced increased pain and stress, and I was unable to return to work.  Now I’m on narcotic medications in an attempt to bring some relief to my physical pain, and I still deal with stress that goes along with losing a pretty decent paying job.

I had fallen into an abyss where I could see no hope, but God blessed me with a few trusted dear friends who would hope for me when I couldn’t.

My physical problems started at birth. 

I was born with a rare, degenerative bone and joint birth defect that has resulted in over a dozen surgeries and multiple injuries, and now the diagnosis of severe fibromyalgia on top of it.  I live every day in chronic pain, and cannot remember what it is to be pain-free.

As I grew, I allowed these defects, abnormalities, and pain to cause wrong thinking about myself.  I began to think of myself as defective.  I already had seen myself as different as a consequence of dealing with this all of my life, and that came with emotional pain.  Adding to this, a marriage to a man who rejected me and was emotionally and verbally abusive only caused more messed up thinking about who I was.  This accelerated beyond my control.  I took on the identity of a failure, a loser, and undesirable.  Thank God that I sought counseling, for I honestly believe I would not be here today if I had not done so.  She literally saved my life.

Life seemed so much easier when I kept hidden the deep pain of my soul: the raw and bleeding hurts, rejections, abuses.  Nevertheless, I began to share a little here and there with my closest friends, but because of the fear of rejection and deception by the enemy, I kept the worst of my pain inside.

Then one day my world crumbled all around me. 

I realized that the healing that I needed when I first went on sick leave was not happening.  My mom had to have chemotherapy after having a mastectomy a few months before, and then months of radiation.  My nephew, who was only 22, was killed in an accident during this time, adding grief and sorrow to my feelings of failure and rejection. A month later, my boss, who was one of my dearest friends, died suddenly. I broke down. I lay in bed staring at the four walls, not wanting to get up, just wanting to sleep. 

“Would there ever be an end to all of this?” I thought.  It was hard enough when you’re strong, but I was in a fragile place, and just wanted to disappear.

I know that God is with me and can heal my unrelenting pain. 

I never doubted that through all of this.  But there have definitely been times where I have wondered where He was and why I have had to go through this.  I am not talking about a desert experience; I am talking about a death experience.  A death of who I was, who I thought I would be.

I’ve realized that I have a choice of who I want to be.  I don’t have a choice when it comes to my physical difficulties.  There is no medical cure.  There is no hope physically when you have a disease that causes degeneration of your bones and joints.  I will live in pain, but always praying for the day when God will completely heal me.  Fatigue will overwhelm me at times.  I will no longer be able to function athletically as I once did.  My emotions will be affected and mentally I will deal with loss of concentration and memory due to the intense pain.

However, I do have a choice to live or die—to live physically, emotionally and mentally. I may have no control in the natural, but I do have a choice whether I allow God to use me the way I am or just survive.  As far as my choices go, I know that I may not always make the right ones.  I will have seasons where I’m angry, discouraged and want to give up.  But there are also those times when I lay all of that aside and allow the Holy Spirit to have His way in my life, to use me as He chooses.  I wish that I could say I am brave and strong and have “super human” abilities that cause me to never have bad days, days of self pity, but I’m human.  I live in a body that, at times, screams and cries out in pain and mental anguish.  But in the midst of the unrelenting pain, I still trust in Him who made me, in Him who can heal me.

I’m trusting the Lord for direction for healing of my physical body. I do have a peace that He is going to see me through this, but having no clue what tomorrow will bring.  I know that God can make a way where there seems to be no way.  I just have to trust and quit trying to figure it out for Him. 

My prayer is this:

Lord, help me to trust, help me to lay my frustrations, my worries down.  I don’t want to have an emotional relapse.  I need your strength, mine is gone.  Yours is better anyhow.  Thank you for the foundation that you have laid in me so many years ago and continue to build, mend, and repair.  Because of your foundation under my feet, I can express to you my insecurities, my anguish, my fears, my emotional and mental pain. You know my heart, I’m trusting that you will not let my feet stumble.  I am still trusting that one day I will be made completely whole.  I will not give up.

Edited by Sharon Garner

Taken from Sue Drake's Journal Writings 

Laura Rodriguez Story

Sheer panic swept into every cell of my body. “I’m pregnant?” I never imagined this would happen.  

Visiting Planned Parenthood with a friend, I received a pregnancy test finding out I was six weeks pregnant.  

Walking out the door, a numbing feeling of dread crept slowly into my heart.  How was I going to face the reality of a positive pregnancy test at the immature age of 17?

Drowning in regret, panic and uncertainty, the weight of emotion was so heavy that I could scarcely draw a breath.

I had allowed myself to walk away from my Christian upbringing and put God on the back burner of my life - letting my guard down and now facing a decision that could impact the rest of my life.

Having relayed this news to my boyfriend Rudy, with knots in my stomach, I finally got the courage to break this news to my parents. The devastation they felt I will never forget.  The decision was placed on my shoulders.  I had a choice to make.

My Decision

Feeling overwhelmed and thinking “I’m a Junior in High School. How can I do this in front of everyone”? I made the decision to get an abortion.

The easiest option. 

The option that would make it all go away.

Receiving a list of abortion clinics from Planned Parenthood, when I had my pregnancy test, I made an appointment with a clinic in Detroit.  Planned Parenthood in Flint, at the time of my test, gave me absolutely no counseling or other options. 

I surrendered to the wrong notion that abortion was the only logical choice. I was afraid, young and ignorant and not in a right relationship with God.

Hesitantly believing the lies the enemy spoke through the voices of those employed at the clinic, I made the appointment with a clinic in Detroit to have my abortion.

When the dreaded day of the appointment arrived, my parents drove me to the Detroit clinic to end my child’s life.

Walking into the waiting room, I found it full of women and young girls waiting to abort their baby.  Women who were married and already had children, stating they didn’t want more.  It was a surreal feeling – waiting to end a life.

I was herded from the waiting room into another room, and yet another room, with no ultrasound, counseling or options afforded to me.

The young woman taking my blood pressure would not look me in the eyes, but kept up a light conversation with another employee. Noticing she was married and pregnant, I thought, “you don’t care about me at all”, and wondering how she could do this while being pregnant herself.

Once it was over, I had pain and discomfort but also thinking, “okay, it’s done.  It’s over.  I can now put this behind me.”  Relief came, but it would soon raise its ugly head again eight years later.

Leaving the clinic, the only words spoken to me were: “here are some birth control pills.  We’ll get you started so you don’t have to go through this again.”

From this point on, my parents made it very clear to me they did not want Rudy or I seeing each other for a time.  I was raised in a Christian home with Christian values.  Rudy was not a believer.  I knew what was right but chose to resist the tug of the Holy Spirit.

I had no idea how far down I had pushed the reality of my abortion.  It was never discussed.  No one wanted to remember that horrible event.

After a period of time, Rudy and I were able to see each other again.  But once promiscuity starts, it’s hard to stop.

We eventually married when I was 19 and Rudy was 24.  I would soon come to realize how my soul had been suffering for 8 years after my abortion.

When Rudy and I were thinking about starting a family, the issue of my abortion rose up inside me once again.  I became very angry - angry with a society that would feed the lie of abortion so blatantly to young girls and women.  I became very militant against abortion and had to find an outlet for this anger.  I spent one year counseling at the Answer Center for Women, confronting girls and women who were contemplating abortion or had already had one. I had not yet realized my own need for healing.

My Healing

My healing came one night when I was lying in bed praying a generic prayer over our extended families.  Rudy was working a late shift.

I felt a hand on my back so powerful, that I turned around and thought somebody was in the room.  God spoke to me “I want you to go back and remember everything.  I want you to remember from the time you found out to everything you experienced because I have a healing for you.” 

I thought I had dealt with my abortion by asking forgiveness, doing counseling and fighting abortion.  I needed healing?  Just look at the mercy of God that He would come to me and speak of my need for healing. I was forced to confront my past and healing came that night. God unearthed the deeply rooted shame hidden in the caverns of my soul.

Praise God for that day when His presence burst into my life so powerfully, so unexpectedly to bring healing and crush the lies of the enemy beneath His Sovereignty.

My Passion

                                               

I have no doubt now that God welcomed my precious unborn baby into His arms that day.  My passion is for the girls and women who think abortion is the answer because society says, “it’s okay.” It’s a devastation you cannot get over on your own.  You can heal and go on, but you will never forget.

In the many years that have passed since my abortion, I have become an advocate for the unborn child, an advocate to express to young girls and women that abortion is not the answer.

The Ending

God completed His work of healing in my life that night.

After I had my second child, Emily, I had a miscarriage.  I named my miscarried baby and also at that time, I named my aborted baby. 

I know there is a baby waiting for me in Heaven – the one I miscarried, but also the baby I aborted.  What a reunion that will be.

God healed and restored me.  I have two girls, Sara and Emily, who are such a blessing to me and my husband along with six grandchildren.

God is a God who forgives, a God who heals.  If you are living with the pain of an abortion, please allow God to help you and bring healing to your soul.

Verses For Reflection

Psalm 130:3-4             I John 1:9            

Psalm 32:5                  Psalm 103:12

Interviewed, written and edited by Sharon Garner

  

Sue Dobos-Paradise Story

Our life as we knew it forever changed one day and we found ourselves in an unexpected struggle – first just to survive and then to move forward.

When our son P.J. was in third grade, he let us know that he was going to be a Marine.  Being a patriotic family, we were thrilled yet filled with some apprehension thinking, “this is my child.” Keeping his promise, our son joined the Marines and trained here in Michigan with a group of guys all set to leave for boot camp in June of 2010.

PJ was incredibly smart.  When he tested for the Marines, he tested so high he was told, “you can do anything you want P.J.  You can go into the Air Force.”  His answer? “I want to go on the front lines.  I’m not coming in here just to push paper.”  He always wanted to be a hero.

 We had no idea the devastation that was to come.

Discharged

His first kidney stone incident occurred in December of 2009 followed by two more in the spring of 2010.  We had no clue this was a problem until a week before he was set to head out to boot camp.  The Marines requested his medical records and were given the hospital reports.  He was blindsided, as was his recruiter, when he was discharged from the Marines never entering boot camp.

At the age of 18, my son’s life-long dream was shattered.  

The discharge destroyed him.  He continued going to doctors asking for letters stating he no longer had kidney stones. PJ wanted to be a Marine more than anything, but to no avail.

Experimenting With Drugs

Prior to signing up for the Marines, as a teenager in high school, P.J. messed around with drugs some, like his friends. I received a call one day from the police station.  P.J. and his friends were stopped by the police for having marijuana in the truck.  “This can’t be P.J.’s”, I thought.  I was devastated when P.J. admitted that it was.

Life changed that day for us.  From this point on, we had him drug tested, worked with him and even got him counseling.  We took the initiative and worked with the police officer who had brought him in to the station.  This officer later became one of P.J.’s best friends.

Life After Discharge

Because of the prior experimenting with drugs in high school, setbacks began to happen after his discharge from the Marines. He was drinking, doing drugs and started using prescription Xanax.

PJ was a leader, had a ton of friends, never spoke back, but always seemed a little bit sad.  I think because of this sadness he began to self-medicate abusing Xanax within the year.

Downward Turn

Bigger issues arrived when P.J. turned 21.  He began to go to bars and even got a DUI.  Being a close family, working together in our concession business, we always kept an eye on him, but he now began to tell us only what he wanted us to hear.

Finishing up our summer concession business in October, we returned home from Indiana. At this time, P.J. was seeing a probation officer because of his DUI.  Coming back from checking in, he said, “everything’s good, everything went great.”  I got very angry with him because I knew he had been drinking.  I had hoped he would be honest with me, but he wasn’t. 

Sitting him down on the couch, I proceeded to read him the riot act.  I talked about his integrity, telling him that I loved him but I didn’t like him.  I didn’t like his attitude, his dishonesty, and his avoidance of the issues in his life.  I talked to him about not doing anything for his fellow man or his community.  We had a long talk. This conversation hurt him badly because he always wanted our praise.

The result of this: he packed up his belongings and left.  After spending time with his girlfriend that weekend, he went to his best friend’s house, whom he had grown up with, spending the night there.

The next morning, the friend’s mom called me and said, “PJ was supposed to work today, but he didn’t get up and go to work. I think you need to give him a call and tell him to go home”, she said. 

When my husband picked PJ up, he could tell something wasn’t right.  He was very tired, not able to get himself together and wake up.  He seemed confused.  My husband, Paul, called me and said, “meet me at the cop shop.”  Arriving at the cop shop, we met there with Archie, the aforementioned officer and friend, who counseled him.  Being a concerned mother, I said, “PJ do we need to go to the hospital?” PJ said “absolutely not. I’ve got a meeting tonight.”  We went home.

PJ showered and went to the meeting uptown at the Rock Church.  Coming home very excited, it looked like things might be on the verge of changing.  After doing a six-week rehab stay at Sacred Heart, PJ was going to work with Archie, the police officer, riding with him and getting his help to enter the Police Academy.

We had no idea that PJ had drugs on him.

The Devastating Loss

Seeing the effect Xanax had on PJ after his DUI, I called the doctor and said “take him off that Xanax.  Get him off that stuff”.  She took him off Xanax, but then he started buying it. 

Coming home from the NA meeting one evening, PJ was happy, even playing Nintendo with his dad downstairs.  We had gone to bed but PJ stayed up, not feeling tired.  Apparently he had been texting and talking to friends until 4:00 in the morning, according to his phone.

We had no idea, until later, that PJ had been looking to get more Xanax that day.  He had asked around finding a girl he knew whose mother had Klonopin.  “It’s just like Xanax”, she said.  PJ went to pick up the Klonopin and took it – not knowing the risk of mixing Xanax and Klonopin together.  Xanax stays in your system for three hours and is gone.  Klonopin, however, builds up and is time-released.

Not feeling tired at 4:00 a.m., PJ took more Klonopin.

It’s the craziest thing, I get up every morning at 9:00, but this particular morning, I woke up at 7:00.  I believe the Holy Spirit woke me up.

Getting my morning coffee, my husband came upstairs and said, “what are you doing up at this time?”  My reply, “I have no clue.”  “Well, you’ve got to see how PJ is sleeping.  It’s so cute”, he said.

Instantly, I felt a wave of panic sweep over me and knew something was wrong, even before I took the steps downstairs.

Sitting Indian-style on the floor was always the way PJ would sit, and this is how I found him.  Close by he had some things scattered on the floor that he had been looking at.  Coming up behind him, I said, “PJ wake up. You need to go lie down.  Wake up.”

Wiggling him a little bit, he didn’t wake up.

Coming around in front of him, I immediately spoke to my husband “call 911.”

He just fell asleep.  I’m very blessed that he fell asleep.  I never would have imagined that an accidental drug overdose would happen to one of my children.  We were devastated, of course, as a family.  PJ was the youngest out of four children.  He left behind a family grappling with the overwhelming loss of a beloved son and a brother who passed away at 21 years of age, November 5^th, just seven weeks before his 22^nd birthday.

Our Life After Death

The day after we lost PJ, our pastor from The Rock church came over to our home.  He read from the Bible the passage about there being no tears in heaven and no mourning.  This was one of the first things that saved me, helping me tremendously to know that he wasn’t suffering anymore. There was no crying, no pain in Heaven.

At PJ’s memorial service, mothers would come up to me and just hold me saying “I lost a child too.”  What a lifeline for me but also thinking “how are you still here?”  I was positive I was going to die or wind up in the hospital insane.  These comforting words spoken to me gave me hope because they went through it, survived and were now passing that hope back to me.

Through Facebook, more women contacted me telling me their stories of how they lived through the loss of a child.

Three weeks after PJ’s death, I was sitting in my home office wanting to do some banking on my computer.  I couldn’t remember my password.  My husband walked into the office and said “speaking of passwords, did you figure out PJ’s?  Maybe there’s something we need to read in his emails.”  Putting his password in, I proceeded to read his emails, mostly to girls.  “This is not my son”, I thought.  Having my first doubt, I said to my husband, “what if he’s not in heaven?”  I completely broke down.

I’ve always been strong, not crying a lot.  When I pulled myself together, I suddenly thought to look in the top drawer of my dresser for my password.  There was no reason I would have it there, but I searched anyway.  Reaching towards the back of my dresser, I found a letter folded up.  I don’t usually put letters in my dresser but in a cedar chest or my Bible, but here it was.  PJ had written a letter to himself in the eighth grade.  Within this letter, PJ writes “I go to church every Wednesday and Sunday.  God is my Savior and I am also saved, which means I’ve accepted Jesus as my personal Savior.”

Confirmation - strong and sure.  PJ was saved and knew what it meant.

Calling my younger sister, who is a strong believer, I asked her how this could happen that I found this letter.  She said “God works upstream” – meaning that all these things were done and put where they needed to go for me to find later and help me get through this.

Grieving is a good thing.  It’s the way we get through the many changes in life. 

Two days after I found this letter, these grieving thoughts continued – “what if PJ is all alone and he misses me?” Walking into my bedroom, I found a picture of my dad, my grandma and PJ together.  My dad and grandma are in heaven. “Why didn’t I see this picture before now?” I thought. “How could I have missed it?”  Again, I understood that this was God working upstream, assuring me that PJ was not alone but surrounded by love.

My Passion

I want to tell other women who have lost a child that God works upstream.  If they will look, they will find these little things as well to bring them hope.  Don’t doubt them when you see them.

Every time I found something of PJ’s, it gave me hope to keep going.  They were stepping stones for me.  It still is happening.

I started collecting these little things I would find – a card, a letter, just little miracles I found.  I am now journaling about it and maybe one day will put them together to help other people.

It is my hope that a grieving mother will read our story and find the courage to look for the signs left for her.  In allowing our God to work upstream, she will find much needed comfort and assurance. 

It is God's promise to help us in our time of grief, if we will but let Him into our grieving heart.

In memory of P.J.







Interviewed, written & edited by Sharon Garner

But God!

For many weeks, I've been looking at two very significant words in the pages of scripture - "But God." 

These two words make their appearance at many critical junctures.  It seems to be the perfect phrase that highlights God's grace and God's intervention at the darkest times possible.

"But God"....two words that indicate a change is coming.  It is intended to challenge our faith, to help us see a contrast that will change our mindset.  When God is brought into the picture, He makes all the difference.

Each of us have encountered situations in our lives where we just feel like giving up, walking away, saying "what's the use?"  Maybe we're thinking things won't change or your hope is hanging on a thin thread.

Think about this verse: "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God, is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 72:26).

Again: "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." (Genesis 50:20).

Look at Ephesians 2:3-5 "among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind, but God, being rich in mercy...made us alive together in Christ..."

The "but God" in scripture marks the relentless and merciful intervention of our God.  To the left of "but God" is sometimes hopelessness, but to the right of the "but God" is our hope.  It describes God's activity - working through hopeless situations.

When my daughter Haylee went through ankle surgery, we didn't know what the outcome would be.  Would she be able to dance again?  My mind created all kinds of scenarios.  Then I went to scripture and found some "but God" statements.  The enemy intended to harm Haylee, to bring discouragement to her soul, but God is going to use this for good some how, some way, and He did.  She prospered through it all.

These two words communicate a powerful message.  It is God's response to any challenge.  You could even say that it's His last word.

God's intentions are to rescue, restore, reassure, redeem and bring righteousness.

We also see this phrase used in yet another way, "I planted, Appolos water, but God gave the increase." (I Corinthians 3:6).

Every "but God" reveals to us fantastic news.  As we read through the Bible, we constantly come up against things that could have happened, then those two words pop up and the situation changes dramatically.

• Once we were dead in sin, but God, made us alive!
• We may fail, but God, is our strength and has everything we need!
• The enemy intends to harm us, but God, intends good towards us!
• We do the work of God, but God, gives the increase!

I encourage you to recall this phrase anytime you are lacking confidence, feeling weak in your situation, wanting to give up or can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  It will transform your view and change your mindset.

Your Turn

Find your "go to" scriptures when life challenges your faith and hope in God.  No matter what situation comes knocking at your door or challenges you encounter in this life, there are two little, powerful words that can change everything....

BUT GOD!