Whether you are thinking about marriage, engaged, just married or have been married for some time, these 5 ingredients are essential.
I had a young women say to me recemtly, "but he's not doing what I expected when we got married. We went through pre-marital counseling and agreed on these things", and then verbally listing those things to me. I listened to her vent and cry. In this situation, you don't want to list things back to her that she should be doing as well. You just listen at this point - that's what a woman wants. Don't try to fix it.
After the venting and crying, she said she felt better and like a weight had been lifted off of her. I said this "affirm him in what he's already doing."
You see, marriage is two unlike people coming together from different backgrounds, life experiences, and upbringing. A marrying together of these things does take work - add into that mix a male and female (which I believe marriage should be as in Genesis) which are two different "cultures" in themselves with regard to communication, emotions and thinking, you have a work in progress.
Here are my 5 top things:
Let go of your expectations. Who he was before you married him will be who he is when you marry him. Only God has the right to change your mate - not you. If you lay down a list of expectations after you're married, look for him to pull back, get defensive and not communicate with you. If he's not taking charge of something, seems to lack motivation in certain areas, agreed to things before you were married but now has no follow-through, affirm what he is already doing.
Give him affirmation. In the case of this young woman, she hadn't thought of doing that. She is a task-oriented woman. Follow-through is important to her. Lists are important to her. She's been a single mom for over 5 years and had to follow-through, make lists, take all responsibility for herself and her daughter. He had been single, never married, no children. He's still working on being a husband and a dad too. Guys need to be emotionally supported and encouraged. They need you to recognize what they have done. This goes a long way. Sincerely do this. My advice was: do for him what you want him to do for you. "You go first" is what I'm saying. Hmmm...seems like that's somewhere in the Bible right?
Learn your husband. What does that mean? Study him. Learn his dislikes, likes, moods, body language, the way he communicates. My husband and I did this with our girls but also between us. It's not too late even if you've been married for a while. You might say "that's too much work". Yes, it is work. Marriage is work. Successful and healthy marriages don't just happen.
Don't make "to-do" lists for him. What? I did this with my husband. Guess what? Didn't like it. He felt like a servant doing his master's bidding. If there are things you want done, sit down with your husband and make a list together. Did you notice the words "with" and "together?" That's the key. This is what we do now. I also have my to-do list just for what I need to do on my own. My husband loves to make a big deal of checking jobs off his list that we made together. I enjoy making the list together.
Step into your husband's world. As women, we can be quite selfish. We want our husband to understand us and communicate like we do. We want them to always step into our "women world" but have we ever stepped into theirs? Men do not communicate like women. We share all of our emotions in a matter of minutes - highs and lows. Men do not. They open up while doing something, so do something with him: walk, work on a project together, take a drive and explore, do what interests him. You'll be surprised!
That's my five. There is a lot more to be sure. This is what I have discovered in my 42 years of marriage.
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