After a two year involvement with a man, I made a promise to God that I would not get tangled up in anymore dating relationships. I needed to concentrate on raising my kids, Courtney and Nick.
With this promise made, I raised my children and had a blast. During this time, I started a ministry called “Renewed Hope” to reach out to women who had been abused. Things were going well.
Unfortunately, this was not to last.
My promise fell apart in September of 2009 when I met Rodney. I knew he had some issues, but I was not fully aware, as yet, of how deep those issues went.
My promise fell apart in September of 2009 when I met Rodney. I knew he had some issues, but I was not fully aware, as yet, of how deep those issues went.
At this time, Courtney was in college and Nick had graduated from high school. I had nothing to do anymore, thinking, “nobody needs me”. Since Rodney said he was a Christian, I thought, “Okay God, this must be for me.” I literally talked myself into believing that this was right—that God had sent him to me. I even allowed him to move into my home. I should have gotten a clue when my son moved out to live with another family, but I didn’t.
With Rodney living in my house, I soon became aware that he was addicted to crack. Because of who I am, I tried to help him, but the wrong way. It’s never a good idea to try to be someone’s Savior.
Christmas of that same year found me in a state of depression. Since allowing him to move in, the Holy Spirit was convicting me big time, and my children intervened. They “kidnapped” me—taking me to my church to see one of my pastors. His response: “We’ve got to get him out of your house”. Eventually, he did leave, ending this disastrous relationship that had lasted close to four years. My son then returned home.
When I look back on this
I realize I had no idea the hurt my children endured, especially my son. I was all they had growing up.
I realize I had no idea the hurt my children endured, especially my son. I was all they had growing up.
I became immersed in shame, and began surrendering to my thoughts thinking, “I fell at church, fell at work, and hurt my children, now it’s all hitting me.”
Filled with regret, and repeatedly getting hit with thoughts of unworthiness, I began to push people out of my life. Overwhelmed with feelings of shame, I began to have problems with my hip.
Freedom One Sunday Morning
It came to a head one Sunday morning at church in April of 2013, when I went up for prayer for my hips. “You’ve got to pray for my hips. I’m sick of this pain and being on pain meds”, I said to my friend Marvin. Marvin prayed for me, but also said, “Diane, I’ve got to tell you something. God says he wants to do a great work through you, and he’s going to heal your pain, but first he has to heal your emotional pain”, so Marvin prayed for me.
It came to a head one Sunday morning at church in April of 2013, when I went up for prayer for my hips. “You’ve got to pray for my hips. I’m sick of this pain and being on pain meds”, I said to my friend Marvin. Marvin prayed for me, but also said, “Diane, I’ve got to tell you something. God says he wants to do a great work through you, and he’s going to heal your pain, but first he has to heal your emotional pain”, so Marvin prayed for me.
This was the beginning of my life being changed forever in April of 2013. The change continued during a sermon series Pastor Bruce had started on embracing God’s love. He stressed how our sins have been forgiven as far as the east is from the west, even explaining that north and south have an end point, but east and west do not. I thought “Wow! That’s it! God you’ve forgiven me”.
God's Continued Work
During the next few months, God continued to work in me, and Thanksgiving morning of 2013, while at the gym, my freedom came. God spoke to me as I exercised and sang songs from my iPod. While praising God and sobbing, He spoke to me the word “shame” and said, “it’s going to kill you. This is what you’ve got to let go of and the unworthiness”. As the songs played and with my eyes closed, I saw visions of chains breaking off of me. The Holy Spirit kept saying “name your chains.” So I named my chains—unworthiness and shame. God was definitely getting my attention as the songs continued playing: “He Knows My Name” and “Moving Forward”.
During the next few months, God continued to work in me, and Thanksgiving morning of 2013, while at the gym, my freedom came. God spoke to me as I exercised and sang songs from my iPod. While praising God and sobbing, He spoke to me the word “shame” and said, “it’s going to kill you. This is what you’ve got to let go of and the unworthiness”. As the songs played and with my eyes closed, I saw visions of chains breaking off of me. The Holy Spirit kept saying “name your chains.” So I named my chains—unworthiness and shame. God was definitely getting my attention as the songs continued playing: “He Knows My Name” and “Moving Forward”.
I learned something about myself through all this, and it has changed me. I now like me. I laugh more, have my joy back, I’m more obedient to God and I have hope. Oh yes, and the pain in my hips is gone. I have been set free.
My ministry “Renewed Hope” is restarted after many road blocks and detours. This difficult time has taught me I cannot do anything without God, and if I don’t listen to him, my life can become a chaotic mess. I have learned that even at my worst, God will use me to witness to other people.
Now, I know God loves me unconditionally.
He has brought me out of feeling shameful and unworthy. I am convinced He did everything possible to get my attention until He just took me to the end. It’s as if He said, “Okay Diane, you’ve got everybody out of your life now, except me.” If God tried that hard to hang onto me and never gave up on me, He must really want something from me. You don’t serve God because you’re trying to get in with Him. You serve Him because of what He’s already done for you. Why wouldn’t you want to?
He has brought me out of feeling shameful and unworthy. I am convinced He did everything possible to get my attention until He just took me to the end. It’s as if He said, “Okay Diane, you’ve got everybody out of your life now, except me.” If God tried that hard to hang onto me and never gave up on me, He must really want something from me. You don’t serve God because you’re trying to get in with Him. You serve Him because of what He’s already done for you. Why wouldn’t you want to?
I think my heart is more compassionate now. And because of what I’ve been through, I’ve had more opportunities to talk about shame and how it can cripple you.
The darkness isn’t there anymore and the unfilled emptiness is gone. I can now worship freely again. God has used this experience to mold and shape me because He wants me to lean on Him alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment