Moving back into my mom’s house after this, I turned away from Christ. Hanging out at the neighborhood bar on the west side of Flint, I began connecting with people that I knew from high school - people who were familiar.
This led me down a path I never imagined.
This led me down a path I never imagined.
Eventually starting a relationship, I began to see him regularly. This unfortunate connection soon brought an unexpected event – pregnancy.
Absolute panic washed over me with a violent force. I thought, “what do I do now?” My mind whirled, drowning me in a sea of regret and landing me in an abortion clinic.
The father of the child I was carrying was already pursuing another relationship. I knew I had to tell him. He was completely surprised, but agreed with my decision for an abortion and offered to pay half.
With the appointment made on the recommendation of Planned Parenthood, I entered the abortion clinic by myself to terminate the six-week pregnancy. My thought was “let’s just do this and get it over with.”
After the procedure, I walked out of the clinic relieved that it was over. Not wanting to face the grief that entered my life that day, I kept this a secret buried deep within my heart. I suffered in silence, wrapped in a cloak of shame.
After this devastation in my life, I made the decision to return to college and finish the dental hygiene program, graduating and being licensed in 1992. Grief and shame were still tucked away in my soul.
During this college program, I began a relationship which lasted six years. Being in a relationship seemed to be my answer when I felt lonely, afraid or needy.
Still haunting me in the back of my mind was the knowledge that I needed to return to God, surrender my life completely and stop running. My question was “how do I do this?”
My journey back to God began one day as I watched a program by T.D. Jakes. He talked about getting out of our comfort zone. My comfort zone was being in relationships. I knew this was for me, and I began my journey back to the Lord walking away from this man. I returned to the One who had always loved me with the love I was seeking.
Upon my return to God, I started attending a church called New Community Church. Still not aware that I needed some type of therapy from having the abortion several years later, I struggled in my Christian walk.
Shame and grief not dealt with can paralyze us from moving forward to healing and purpose. These feelings were so deeply rooted in the caverns of my soul, but I was still unaware and a mild depression began to set in.
I had no idea that these symptoms were related to my previous abortion. Hadn’t I put that behind me and tried to forget? But this was the very thing that was holding me back from moving forward in my Christian walk. Something had to be done. I made the decision right then to stop living in the shadows of my past and start living in the light of my Savior.
I believe with all my heart that the Holy Spirit was prompting me to deal with this. This confirmation came when I stumbled upon a ministry called Rachel’s Vineyard - a ministry for women who have had abortions.
My weekend retreat of healing was soon to begin.
A Catholic social worker began Rachel’s Vineyard. Having counseled numerous women who had abortions, she noticed a common denominator: Most of the women she talked to had problems with depression. Realizing this, the Lord led her to create the ministry Rachel’s Vineyard.
I had just started seeing Jim, who is my husband now, when I went to this weekend retreat in the mid 2000’s.
God’s Spirit was all over that weekend. I was taken through steps of praying and had help processing what happened - processing my grief and mourning this loss, something that I had never done.
Wave upon wave of emotion pounded onto the soft shore of my heart.
The Holy Spirit was bringing healing.
The weekend culminated in a memorial service where we received a birth certificate having had the opportunity to name our baby. It was a way of making it tangible, helping me to unleash my bottled up grief and shame. The symbolism of this service was powerful.
Freedom came
Through this retreat, God brought to me a soul-cleansing, spirit-led release. I was able to release this child to God, and He healed the under currents of depression and my hidden grief and shame. I prayed for forgiveness not only for what I had done but also forgiveness for myself - many times women cannot forgive themselves.
The guilt and shame that had paralyzed and overpowered my life was gone.
When I think about my abortion experience now, it is with hope: The hope of seeing my little one again in heaven.
God is a God who forgives and a God who heals.
My Thoughts
If you are living with the pain of abortion, please let God help you. He will heal.
Maybe some of the problems you are experiencing emotionally or even physically might have its root in having had an abortion. God can heal.
If you are considering an abortion, think clearly about the consequences. For those who have had abortions and never dealt with the trauma, or are still grieving the loss and shame, get some good Christian counseling. There are services available. Talk about it and relinquish the bottled up pain.
As we all know, life shows up in unexpected ways but God has a way of redeeming those situations in our life.
I praise God that he opened the door and gave me the awareness that I needed help. I praise God for the retreat that brought hope back into my life and healed my pain.
If you need healing from the pain of an abortion, please visit the link below:
Rachel’s Vineyard: http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/
Erin Corbin
Interviewed, written & edited by Sharon Garner
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