Sheer panic swept into every cell of my body. “I’m pregnant?” I never imagined this would happen.
Visiting Planned Parenthood with a friend, I received a pregnancy test finding out I was six weeks pregnant.
Walking out the door, a numbing feeling of dread crept slowly into my heart. How was I going to face the reality of a positive pregnancy test at the immature age of 17?
Drowning in regret, panic and uncertainty, the weight of emotion was so heavy that I could scarcely draw a breath.
I had allowed myself to walk away from my Christian upbringing and put God on the back burner of my life - letting my guard down and now facing a decision that could impact the rest of my life.
Having relayed this news to my boyfriend Rudy, with knots in my stomach, I finally got the courage to break this news to my parents. The devastation they felt I will never forget. The decision was placed on my shoulders. I had a choice to make.
My Decision
Feeling overwhelmed and thinking “I’m a Junior in High School. How can I do this in front of everyone”? I made the decision to get an abortion.
The easiest option.
The option that would make it all go away.
Receiving a list of abortion clinics from Planned Parenthood, when I had my pregnancy test, I made an appointment with a clinic in Detroit. Planned Parenthood in Flint, at the time of my test, gave me absolutely no counseling or other options.
I surrendered to the wrong notion that abortion was the only logical choice. I was afraid, young and ignorant and not in a right relationship with God.
Hesitantly believing the lies the enemy spoke through the voices of those employed at the clinic, I made the appointment with a clinic in Detroit to have my abortion.
When the dreaded day of the appointment arrived, my parents drove me to the Detroit clinic to end my child’s life.
Walking into the waiting room, I found it full of women and young girls waiting to abort their baby. Women who were married and already had children, stating they didn’t want more. It was a surreal feeling – waiting to end a life.
I was herded from the waiting room into another room, and yet another room, with no ultrasound, counseling or options afforded to me.
The young woman taking my blood pressure would not look me in the eyes, but kept up a light conversation with another employee. Noticing she was married and pregnant, I thought, “you don’t care about me at all”, and wondering how she could do this while being pregnant herself.
Once it was over, I had pain and discomfort but also thinking, “okay, it’s done. It’s over. I can now put this behind me.” Relief came, but it would soon raise its ugly head again eight years later.
Leaving the clinic, the only words spoken to me were: “here are some birth control pills. We’ll get you started so you don’t have to go through this again.”
From this point on, my parents made it very clear to me they did not want Rudy or I seeing each other for a time. I was raised in a Christian home with Christian values. Rudy was not a believer. I knew what was right but chose to resist the tug of the Holy Spirit.
I had no idea how far down I had pushed the reality of my abortion. It was never discussed. No one wanted to remember that horrible event.
After a period of time, Rudy and I were able to see each other again. But once promiscuity starts, it’s hard to stop.
We eventually married when I was 19 and Rudy was 24. I would soon come to realize how my soul had been suffering for 8 years after my abortion.
When Rudy and I were thinking about starting a family, the issue of my abortion rose up inside me once again. I became very angry - angry with a society that would feed the lie of abortion so blatantly to young girls and women. I became very militant against abortion and had to find an outlet for this anger. I spent one year counseling at the Answer Center for Women, confronting girls and women who were contemplating abortion or had already had one. I had not yet realized my own need for healing.
My Healing
My healing came one night when I was lying in bed praying a generic prayer over our extended families. Rudy was working a late shift.
I felt a hand on my back so powerful, that I turned around and thought somebody was in the room. God spoke to me “I want you to go back and remember everything. I want you to remember from the time you found out to everything you experienced because I have a healing for you.”
I thought I had dealt with my abortion by asking forgiveness, doing counseling and fighting abortion. I needed healing? Just look at the mercy of God that He would come to me and speak of my need for healing. I was forced to confront my past and healing came that night. God unearthed the deeply rooted shame hidden in the caverns of my soul.
Praise God for that day when His presence burst into my life so powerfully, so unexpectedly to bring healing and crush the lies of the enemy beneath His Sovereignty.
My Passion
I have no doubt now that God welcomed my precious unborn baby into His arms that day. My passion is for the girls and women who think abortion is the answer because society says, “it’s okay.” It’s a devastation you cannot get over on your own. You can heal and go on, but you will never forget.
In the many years that have passed since my abortion, I have become an advocate for the unborn child, an advocate to express to young girls and women that abortion is not the answer.
The Ending
God completed His work of healing in my life that night.
After I had my second child, Emily, I had a miscarriage. I named my miscarried baby and also at that time, I named my aborted baby.
I know there is a baby waiting for me in Heaven – the one I miscarried, but also the baby I aborted. What a reunion that will be.
God healed and restored me. I have two girls, Sara and Emily, who are such a blessing to me and my husband along with six grandchildren.
God is a God who forgives, a God who heals. If you are living with the pain of an abortion, please allow God to help you and bring healing to your soul.
Verses For Reflection
Psalm 130:3-4 I John 1:9
Psalm 32:5 Psalm 103:12
Interviewed, written and edited by Sharon Garner
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